WGT: Diet Coke

What could be more American than guzzling down a fizzy cola whose color very nearly matches the toxic sludge that coats so many American rivers and streams? Why nothing, of course! Hence the popularity of Coca-Cola, revered the world over as America's drink. The only problem? It's fattening as fuck, hence another proud American tradition of obesity. Enter Diet Coke, the answer that answers the age old dilemma of how to express one's patriotism while at the same time maintaining that pretty little white girl waist. So, most good white girls of our generation have been guzzling the stuff for years, going back to when they were in diapers.

Who doesn't have pleasant memories of mama smacking a can of the regular stuff out of your hand and putting a shiny silver one its place, informing you that you would "thank her when you're older." (Oh you don't have this memory? Trade the regular Coke for a Swiss Roll and the Diet Coke for a carrot stick. Now is it making sense?) Only problem, mama was wrong. (Unlike with the whole buying the cow and free milk thing, that still holds.) Get this:

DIET COKE IS BAD FOR YOU!

It's loaded with chemicals, six hundred times sweeter than the regular stuff, and actually makes you crave sweets, meaning it can make you fat, which is perhaps the biggest (no pun intended) WGT of all. Not only that, but anecdotal white girl science demonstrates increased breakouts, accelerated drunkenness when used as a mixer, and (according to Paul) future infertility. So all that Diet Coke you so chicly chug throughout the day, smugly holding yourself above those who still drink the hard stuff actually endangers future generations of white girls (and subsequent WGTs). Read it and weep ladies. And put down the can (and if you're drinking it from a bottle, we've got bigger problems). If that's not enough to get you to stop, witness uber-WGT drink this stuff, and consider whether you're willing to let your little habit turn you into a fire-breathing, ultra-conversative Fox News hussy.